The People Pleaser

I always had a tough time making friends. Being raised by a mother with narcisstic tendencies, who relocated me and my siblings around constantly in our formative years, had extremely handicapped the fundamental qualities we needed to learn as children such as confidence, trust, and openness. The crippling anxiety that resulted had me constantly worrying about doing or saying the wrong thing, forcing me to live in the past or anticipating the future, unable to live in the moment. This is no way for anyone to live.

Part of anyone's personal journey of healing past trauma to become a more healthy and authentic person, includes accepting oneself for who they are and finding the silverlinings in what are otherwise dark clouds. For me, it was realizing that the isolation and social anxiety I experienced throughout my life also forced me to become independent, self-reliant, and resilient. But as any human does, I still craved social contact and belonging. In a desperate attempt to fulfill those needs, I accumulated friends like they were Pokémon. This didn’t actually fulfill anything, however. In fact, it added to my anxiety and feelings of isolation. I eventually realized that a friend to all is a friend to none.

There are a handful of specific events in my life that led me to being content with who I am today. First, when I met the love of my life, who showed me that there was more to life than material goods. Second, when I began researching and practicing minimalism, which showed me how to live a more meaningful and intentional life, and helped me establish my personal values. Third, when I met my best friend who showed me the value of patience and of quality over quantity. And finally, when I experienced an epiphany after hearing one of the hosts, Adam Johnson, of one my favourite podcasts, Citations Needed, unabashedly admit that his frankness often made him a party pooper, which is something that really resonated with me. Through these experiences, I finally found my confidence.

These events revealed the person who was hiding under the veneer of anxiety that a chaotic childhood shrouded them in. It revelaed that I will rarely be that person to just shoot the shit with. That I will seldom be that person to hear complaints about things without attempting to help create real solutions for them. That I am not that person who avoids confrontation for the sake of civility. That I will never be that person who ignores obvious privilege and arrogance. That I will certainly never be that person who remains silent in the face of stupidity and unfairness. That after spending many exhausting years being that person, thanks to a demanding and self-centered mother, I can no longer be a part of any relationship that is a one-way street.

What I am is someone who will join others in the fight against injustice, inequality, and exploitation, by together making meaningful contributions to our communites. I will join others in helping uncover inconvenient truths and exposing corrupting power. I will join others in expanding our understanding of this wondrous universe we live in. I will join others in challenging each other in a mutual and continuous journey in being better people. I will join others in finding the potential in not only each other but in perfect strangers. I will join others in acknowledging the little things in life from cuddles with our children and pets, to finding beauty in nature, to laughing about life’s myriad contradictions. I will join others in two-way streets of friendship (or kinship), even if the flow in either direction is never equal.

This is who I really am and these are the qualities I now look for in my social connections, wether friend or family. I will not compromise my values, nor apologize for having appropriate expectations of myself and others with the means to create positive change. Life is too short that, when given the opportunity, we are not our best selves in an attempt to leave this world a better place. I welcome anyone who shares these values to come along for the journey with me. Together, we can accomplish anything.

Updated April 14, 2021: Spelling and grammar corrections, and some content clarifications.